Birdwings

Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror
up to where you are bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralysed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding,
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.  -Rumi

beautiful.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I feel it all....

So I was going to write about how to succeed in early recovery. How to get through the toughest time of any addicts life. But instead I am going to write about what I am going through right now instead. I am a human after all.

I feel something in my heart. Something I can't describe. I feel am being torn. I feel like there are two of me. The one who has to make everyone around me feel happy and at peace. But there is another side of me, that's confused, and a little sad. I am not sure why. Follow your heart? I don't even know if I trust my heart. I know how to work recovery, I know how to be great at my job. But I'm really terrible at relationships. If it gets hard I quit, because I don't want to get hurt. I don't feel like writing about it anymore.

FeAr.FeAr.FeAr.FeAr.

My sponsor taught me this awhile ago, and it stuck with me, like most of her wisdom.

Fear is not getting what you want or losing what you have. 

Let it go, it's out of your control. Focus on the present. Make the present pretty.

Life is beautiful in all it's sadness and madness.

Lauryn Hill (HQ) - Tell Him

She was one of my favorites.

R.I.P. beautiful. (Brittany Murphy)

New Year. New Beginnings.

This is officially my second holiday season clean and sober.
I am so grateful. 
I can't believe I celebrated New Years in Southern California with new friends.
It was such a fun evening, filled with laughter and new memories. Also, to not ring in the new year with a hangover is truly a blessing.
I'm not sure what this year has in store for me. But I do know that I have to stay focused on my recovery and God. I always know when I am having a difficult time, it's because I forget what's important to me. 


I am currently going through a difficult time. So I have to go back to acceptance and gratitude. It's so easy to get caught up in little things and think that life is so hard. I have to remember how far I have come, not how far I have to go. 


So for this year I am not going to wish for anything, I am going to work my ass off to attain what I want. What I truly want is inner peace and balance. I want to be able to trust my intuition. Not only trust it, but act on it. "Faith without works is dead." That's been my quote since I moved to California. I know that life is beautiful. So how am I appreciating it today?