mercy of a fool -grateful dead

She reclines, closing her eyes the silhouette is bound to Writhe
Light birds and fireflies settle around her
Days grow, long strange feeling, waterfalls shine this time of year
Our lives go down the stream, shooting the rapids bright as gold
The arms you gave me bright as the eye of the hurricane
We're all just the sage going.
Every moment is perfect, no sin is a jewel
If man is a prophet at the mercy of a fool
Watching seasons go as sunshine turns blue and blue so close

The great ghost feeling the music is
The moment is perfect, the eye's a jewel
If man is a prophet with the mercy of a fool

beautifully broken.

Oh it's going to be one of those blogs.super emosexual rant. 


Here goes. 
So I'm an addict. I am in recovery. (thank God) But I am so insane still. I get it. I will be working on myself for the rest of my life. Ugh. It's weird because I came into recovery expecting to get some answers. Now I have a million more questions. I am a mess. So I work the steps, I show up at meetings, I share when shit is bothering me, and I try and help another addict achieve recovery or at least the willingness to recover. Life is hard. No fucking question about it. But we are all a little lost and I wish people would swallow their pride and destroy their ego and help their fellow man, and woman.  
And for a completely different topic that doesn't get talked about nearly enough in recovery, it's our relationships with others. Whether it's sexual, emotional, or spiritual. Other humans have the capacity to break our fragile hearts. We are addicts, so if it feels good, we are so prone to being addicted to it. There is a fine line between love and codependency. They are quite opposite but people don't think so. You want to help them, you want them to be yours forever. But let me tell you something. Nobody is OURS, we are all children of the universe. That's it. We all just want to love and be loved in return, but it has the potential to come with a very high price. Love yourself first. Be okay with you and someone super incredible will appear in your life at the perfect timing. Not your perfect timing, God's perfect timing. Trust me. or don't. 

Life on Life's Terms.

Remember this too shall pass. (it always does.)
Don't drink or pick up no matter what.(it's so not worth it.)
Go to a meeting. (you aren't alone!)
Pray.(you aren't alone!!)
(my to do list)

love.

word.

dreamweaver

(no subject)

1000 words.

So I smile.

We all have to deal with difficult people. It's easy when you don't care about them. All you need to do is pray for them and realize how they act towards you has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with them. I feel better already!

But what if this difficult person is someone you care deeply about? What then? Again, pray and realize that it's their insecurities that make them act in such a way. It's easier said then done to detach, but I know it is much less painful then to be immeshed with someone.

 Independent to a fault? Probably.

But all I know is that we are all humans and we are all struggling with something. 

Remember the golden rule. 

check your motives.

Since I've entered recovery I thought I would get all the answers I was searching for.
Instead I have many more questions.
I am curious about everything, especially human behavior.
We are fascinating creatures.
What's your motive behind your actions? 
Have you ever really thought about it?
It's kind of scary. 
Are your running from something?
Are you chasing something?
Are you afraid? 
Think about it, or don't. 

Ida Maria-Morning light

Inspired to Inspire

Dear World,




So it hit me today. I was praying to the God of my understanding, you know very casually thanking him and asking him for guidance. I figured out the plan he has for me, what I was put on this planet to do. (please don't get creeped out by my proud belief in a higher power, you'd believe too if you've been where I've been and came back from where I came back from.) I don't want to work at a ritzy California rehab. 

I want to help the sick and suffering addicts who don't have money or health insurance to cover such a luxury as rehab.

I was afforded such a luxury and I absolutely believe it helped save my life, but so did my strong ass will to live. I know I couldn't have done it without my God, but I also know that TRUE recovery is not for the weak-hearted. It's a gut wrenching, soul-squeezing process, everyday. I wouldn't have it any other way! 

My name is Annie and I am an addict. I believe in anonymity to a certain extent. I want to help save lives with my experience, strength and hope. 

What I hope to get out of this blog is the ability to help others, to let them know there is a way out. It's not easy. It's super fucking hard, but the only way out is through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!! I promise!! Trust me, I was in hell about 21 months ago. But I crawled out, well I was pushed out, thank God. But the rest was up to me. It had to be up to me or I wouldn't have survived this long. 

Today was a super unproductive day, and I was feeling guilty about it. Then I thought to myself, I didn't have to get high today. That's a miracle. I have to remember where I came from, out the gutter I climbed. I am so lucky and blessed today. Life is meant to be lived. Everyday isn't easy, but every day alive sure is a blessing. 

Good night sweet world.