"TuRn YoUr MeSs InTo A mEsSaGe."

There is no greater service work in recovery then sharing your message of experience, strength, and hope. I just got home from doing an H and I panel (hospitals and institutions) at Michael's House in Palm Springs. It was such a magical experience I wanted to write about it right away while it's still fresh. I can't describe the feeling it gives me. Oh wait, yes I can. It gives me hope, It gives me strength, and it gives me satisfaction that I hopefully helped at least one addict tonight. I am pretty sure I captivated my audience. I have one crazy story. Its no better or no worse than anyone else's "war story" but its mine, so I can tell it well. 


    I always pray before I share. I ask God to make me his vessel. Let him speak through me and the message that is supposed to get across will make its point. That is the whole point. The weird thing is, is that it helps my recovery soooo much! It's the 12th step in action. Its so wonderful. It also helps remind me of where I came from. I don't think about my past often since I finally forgave myself for it. It doesn't haunt me like it used to. I can use it as a tool in my recovery today. How wonderful and beautiful is that? So awesome. I've shared my story on panels before, I've done a few open talks back in Michigan, but tonight was different.


    I dug up some real intense shit. I dug up old feelings, and experiences I've never shared before, not in the detail like I did tonight. So I feel like, tonight, God made me a vessel for sure, but he did it for my benefit. I had to hear my story again. I had to hear from my point of view on this day. I am changing and growing daily. He lit a fire in me tonight. A fire I haven't felt in a couple months. It reignited.


   The best part after I shared my story was the comments from the audience. It was absolutely heartwarming. They could relate to all my crazy stories, and my insecure emotions. It made me feel so connected to the human race. They told me how inspirational my story was, or my story is. The most important part is the present. I climbed out of the darkness. I surrendered. I had enough pain. And while life isn't always easy or wonderful, the journey in recovery has been worth it so far.
 I know I am doing God's will and he always rewards me with everything I could ever need. So full of hope and love tonight. 

Wrote on 4-11-09 Found today.

Dear Heroin,
You came into my life like a whirlwind. You created fear, anticipation, anxiety and excitement in my dull relapsed existence.
It seems that I had a crush on you before I ever met you. People around me were always romanticizing you. You were a mystery. A mystery I had to learn about. You have taken a piece of my heart that I can never have back, broken my soul, and altered my brain chemistry forever. Because of my fast unhealthy love for you, I am a more fucked up girl looking for a peace of mind. Luckily for me, I have learned to forgive. I forgive you for taking over, pretty impressive moves I must say. I think we fell in love with each other on NYE. Game over. You had me. Why did it end so fast? The chase is better than the catch. You used me, I used you. We had such an unhealthy codependent relationship. You were such a tease, but you loved me too, admit it. You miss me. You miss the way I adored you...Guess what fucker? I'm so over you and your cute little bags with cute names to make me feel not as bad about my use. Oh, it's called seabiscuit? ha.ha How charming. Ace of Spades? Sounds hard core. I hate you. I cannot wait to feel nothing for you. That's when I'll know for sure I can say goodbye. Until then, until next time, see you around.....

*I just found this. We had to write a goodbye letter to our drug. SO intense. This brought back a lot of memories. I have 2 years and 2 months of clean time. I can say proudly that the obsession has left me. I am no longer angry like I was. I am grateful that I wrote about this back then. Lets see, April 11, 2009? I had about 2 weeks clean. I was such a mess. I was in such an unhealthy spot. I am really glad I found this letter. It shows how far I've come. SO fucking grateful today.