The Verve - Love Is Noise

really beautiful song.

Anais Nin

I love her. She is so eloquent. Here are some of her words of wisdom, and slight madness.



"I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."




"There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of the imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don’t work." 




"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection." 


"Truth is something which can't be told in a few words. Those who simplify the universe only reduce the expansion of its meaning." 


"It takes courage to push yourself to places you have never been before... to test yout limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to stay tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." 


"Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous." 


"Since desire always goes towards that which is our direct opposite, it forces us to love that which will make us suffer." 


"I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits." 

Life as I know it.

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is." -Bob Dylan

I've been going through some major transformations. Everything in my life is different. Different friends, different surroundings, different meetings, different loves.


 But one constant in my life is my passion for living, my passion for recovery, my passion for making my life and those around me better, more enriched. Words cannot really describe what I am feeling. All that is going through my head is all the cliche sayings I have learned at meetings. But now they ring true in my life, seriously. 


I never thought I would be where I am today, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I enjoy my own company, sometimes I enjoy my own company the most. Never thought I could feel that way. 


For so long I hated being in my skin and in my brain. I had such a fucked up way of thinking. I know I will never be recovered. It's a daily process. Some days are wonderful and some not so wonderful. But I have to brush myself off and face the day. Face life. I was always running, in circles. I never knew what was wrong. It was always someone else, something else. I always thought happiness was such a far away concept. Now I realize that I have to create it.


Happiness is a process, an everyday job.
But that's the thrill of it. 
Everyday is different.


All I know is that if I didn't have acceptance in my life, I wouldn't have this outlook. 
Take a look at where your life is, you put yourself there. But you can change it in an instant, if you just change how you look at it. It is that simple, I promise. 
I am living proof. <3

Lost.

When all is lost, I always have hope to hold onto. Thank God. 

This too shall pass, it always does.

Truth of who you are

What would it take to get you to do what you think you cannot do? What dream, what purpose, what goal will inspire you to engage with life more fully than you ever have?What is so important to you that it will have you ignoring all the enticing distractions? What is so desirable and compelling that it will have you running out to embrace each new challenge?
Your life can be whatever you most sincerely and passionately want it to be. You are the living, growing, ever-evolving expression of the unique and wonderful you.
You are here on this day, in this place, to live the richness. You are here right now to choose a particular flavor of richness that will energize your whole world through you.
Remember how good it can feel to be you, and let that feeling lead you to your most sincere purpose. As you focus awareness on that purpose, it spreads outward and illuminates life in its own beautiful way.
What will it take to make you unstoppable? Nothing more, nothing less than the undeniable truth of who you are.
-- Ralph Marston


http://greatday.com

Frightened Rabbit - Nothing Like You

learning.

Frances Bean. Kurt and Courtney's daughter. Simply beautiful. 

Save Amy Winehouse

heart of gold?

I went to see a few psychics today. I really admire how intuitive they are. I think I've learned by being in recovery how intuitive I am. I can really read people and their intentions almost immediately. But that doesn't mean I judge them. That's what I'm learning. Just because I'm tolerant doesn't mean I'm naive. That's what I'm learning about myself. I am a very loving person. I love almost every human being I come across for exactly who they are. I now know that is not a weakness, but a strength. No one is perfect, and nobody sees the world in the same way. Just because I love a lot of people doesn't mean I trust them. That makes sense right? Love does not equal trust. This life is a journey. I love that I have my eyes open for the first time. I am taking in every experience and enjoying it without any expectation. That is what I'm learning the most in life right now, just enjoy without expectation. Life is so much better that way. Nobody owes you anything. Love without fear, love without expecting anything in return. The only way you can get hurt is from your own heart. No one else's heart should be able to hurt you. So let love into your heart. Love for yourself, love for other's and you should never be lonely. 

share.

Never thought I would be here, not in a million years. I spoke at Betty Ford tonight. I got to share my experience, strength, and hope with other addicts. It felt wonderful. I was real, honest, and awkward. My 3 best characteristics. I love that I can give back today, for no other reason than to spread the message of hope. Life is so beautiful today. And if it wasn't for the program and smarter and wiser people telling me what I SHOULD do then I would be lost, or dead. I'm so glad I finally decided to listen and get out of my own way. Love and Hope. 

blanket.

This is going through my head.

There is a fine line between hope and denial.

A wise lady taught me that. It's quite a terrifying thought.

mercy of a fool -grateful dead

She reclines, closing her eyes the silhouette is bound to Writhe
Light birds and fireflies settle around her
Days grow, long strange feeling, waterfalls shine this time of year
Our lives go down the stream, shooting the rapids bright as gold
The arms you gave me bright as the eye of the hurricane
We're all just the sage going.
Every moment is perfect, no sin is a jewel
If man is a prophet at the mercy of a fool
Watching seasons go as sunshine turns blue and blue so close

The great ghost feeling the music is
The moment is perfect, the eye's a jewel
If man is a prophet with the mercy of a fool

beautifully broken.

Oh it's going to be one of those blogs.super emosexual rant. 


Here goes. 
So I'm an addict. I am in recovery. (thank God) But I am so insane still. I get it. I will be working on myself for the rest of my life. Ugh. It's weird because I came into recovery expecting to get some answers. Now I have a million more questions. I am a mess. So I work the steps, I show up at meetings, I share when shit is bothering me, and I try and help another addict achieve recovery or at least the willingness to recover. Life is hard. No fucking question about it. But we are all a little lost and I wish people would swallow their pride and destroy their ego and help their fellow man, and woman.  
And for a completely different topic that doesn't get talked about nearly enough in recovery, it's our relationships with others. Whether it's sexual, emotional, or spiritual. Other humans have the capacity to break our fragile hearts. We are addicts, so if it feels good, we are so prone to being addicted to it. There is a fine line between love and codependency. They are quite opposite but people don't think so. You want to help them, you want them to be yours forever. But let me tell you something. Nobody is OURS, we are all children of the universe. That's it. We all just want to love and be loved in return, but it has the potential to come with a very high price. Love yourself first. Be okay with you and someone super incredible will appear in your life at the perfect timing. Not your perfect timing, God's perfect timing. Trust me. or don't. 

Life on Life's Terms.

Remember this too shall pass. (it always does.)
Don't drink or pick up no matter what.(it's so not worth it.)
Go to a meeting. (you aren't alone!)
Pray.(you aren't alone!!)
(my to do list)

love.

word.

dreamweaver

(no subject)

1000 words.

So I smile.

We all have to deal with difficult people. It's easy when you don't care about them. All you need to do is pray for them and realize how they act towards you has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with them. I feel better already!

But what if this difficult person is someone you care deeply about? What then? Again, pray and realize that it's their insecurities that make them act in such a way. It's easier said then done to detach, but I know it is much less painful then to be immeshed with someone.

 Independent to a fault? Probably.

But all I know is that we are all humans and we are all struggling with something. 

Remember the golden rule. 

check your motives.

Since I've entered recovery I thought I would get all the answers I was searching for.
Instead I have many more questions.
I am curious about everything, especially human behavior.
We are fascinating creatures.
What's your motive behind your actions? 
Have you ever really thought about it?
It's kind of scary. 
Are your running from something?
Are you chasing something?
Are you afraid? 
Think about it, or don't. 

Ida Maria-Morning light

Inspired to Inspire

Dear World,




So it hit me today. I was praying to the God of my understanding, you know very casually thanking him and asking him for guidance. I figured out the plan he has for me, what I was put on this planet to do. (please don't get creeped out by my proud belief in a higher power, you'd believe too if you've been where I've been and came back from where I came back from.) I don't want to work at a ritzy California rehab. 

I want to help the sick and suffering addicts who don't have money or health insurance to cover such a luxury as rehab.

I was afforded such a luxury and I absolutely believe it helped save my life, but so did my strong ass will to live. I know I couldn't have done it without my God, but I also know that TRUE recovery is not for the weak-hearted. It's a gut wrenching, soul-squeezing process, everyday. I wouldn't have it any other way! 

My name is Annie and I am an addict. I believe in anonymity to a certain extent. I want to help save lives with my experience, strength and hope. 

What I hope to get out of this blog is the ability to help others, to let them know there is a way out. It's not easy. It's super fucking hard, but the only way out is through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!! I promise!! Trust me, I was in hell about 21 months ago. But I crawled out, well I was pushed out, thank God. But the rest was up to me. It had to be up to me or I wouldn't have survived this long. 

Today was a super unproductive day, and I was feeling guilty about it. Then I thought to myself, I didn't have to get high today. That's a miracle. I have to remember where I came from, out the gutter I climbed. I am so lucky and blessed today. Life is meant to be lived. Everyday isn't easy, but every day alive sure is a blessing. 

Good night sweet world.