"TuRn YoUr MeSs InTo A mEsSaGe."

There is no greater service work in recovery then sharing your message of experience, strength, and hope. I just got home from doing an H and I panel (hospitals and institutions) at Michael's House in Palm Springs. It was such a magical experience I wanted to write about it right away while it's still fresh. I can't describe the feeling it gives me. Oh wait, yes I can. It gives me hope, It gives me strength, and it gives me satisfaction that I hopefully helped at least one addict tonight. I am pretty sure I captivated my audience. I have one crazy story. Its no better or no worse than anyone else's "war story" but its mine, so I can tell it well. 


    I always pray before I share. I ask God to make me his vessel. Let him speak through me and the message that is supposed to get across will make its point. That is the whole point. The weird thing is, is that it helps my recovery soooo much! It's the 12th step in action. Its so wonderful. It also helps remind me of where I came from. I don't think about my past often since I finally forgave myself for it. It doesn't haunt me like it used to. I can use it as a tool in my recovery today. How wonderful and beautiful is that? So awesome. I've shared my story on panels before, I've done a few open talks back in Michigan, but tonight was different.


    I dug up some real intense shit. I dug up old feelings, and experiences I've never shared before, not in the detail like I did tonight. So I feel like, tonight, God made me a vessel for sure, but he did it for my benefit. I had to hear my story again. I had to hear from my point of view on this day. I am changing and growing daily. He lit a fire in me tonight. A fire I haven't felt in a couple months. It reignited.


   The best part after I shared my story was the comments from the audience. It was absolutely heartwarming. They could relate to all my crazy stories, and my insecure emotions. It made me feel so connected to the human race. They told me how inspirational my story was, or my story is. The most important part is the present. I climbed out of the darkness. I surrendered. I had enough pain. And while life isn't always easy or wonderful, the journey in recovery has been worth it so far.
 I know I am doing God's will and he always rewards me with everything I could ever need. So full of hope and love tonight. 

Wrote on 4-11-09 Found today.

Dear Heroin,
You came into my life like a whirlwind. You created fear, anticipation, anxiety and excitement in my dull relapsed existence.
It seems that I had a crush on you before I ever met you. People around me were always romanticizing you. You were a mystery. A mystery I had to learn about. You have taken a piece of my heart that I can never have back, broken my soul, and altered my brain chemistry forever. Because of my fast unhealthy love for you, I am a more fucked up girl looking for a peace of mind. Luckily for me, I have learned to forgive. I forgive you for taking over, pretty impressive moves I must say. I think we fell in love with each other on NYE. Game over. You had me. Why did it end so fast? The chase is better than the catch. You used me, I used you. We had such an unhealthy codependent relationship. You were such a tease, but you loved me too, admit it. You miss me. You miss the way I adored you...Guess what fucker? I'm so over you and your cute little bags with cute names to make me feel not as bad about my use. Oh, it's called seabiscuit? ha.ha How charming. Ace of Spades? Sounds hard core. I hate you. I cannot wait to feel nothing for you. That's when I'll know for sure I can say goodbye. Until then, until next time, see you around.....

*I just found this. We had to write a goodbye letter to our drug. SO intense. This brought back a lot of memories. I have 2 years and 2 months of clean time. I can say proudly that the obsession has left me. I am no longer angry like I was. I am grateful that I wrote about this back then. Lets see, April 11, 2009? I had about 2 weeks clean. I was such a mess. I was in such an unhealthy spot. I am really glad I found this letter. It shows how far I've come. SO fucking grateful today. 

11:54pm

All I know is that I had to unlearn everything I thought I knew to welcome growth and change.
Its called surrender.
I just didn't know it at the time.
Now I am blessed and cursed with self awareness.
It's always on, no turning it off. 
But that's where the light is. 

Dark before the Dawn

Faith is believing that out of your darkest times comes the brightest times. I know that to be true because that's all I had to hold onto in the beginning, before I got clean. There must be a reason for all this madness, there had to be. I know that in the deepest, darkest pit of my addiction I had a tiny glimmer of hope. That's why I stayed alive. That's why I fought my way back into the light. I had nothing left to lose. 

I knew I was meant to be more than a junkie, a junkie that was close to death. I will never forget that empty feeling. The feeling of despair. But I will also never let go of the hope I have discovered and cultivated throughout this journey so far. I feel a great transition coming into my life and I know it has to do with my spirituality. I feel a shift in my heart. I am learning that I am nothing, I am everything. We are all connected. We are one. We need to grab onto each other. We need to love each other. 

Hate is too great a burden. But I also know that true, unconditional love for others cannot come if there is no self respect and unconditional love for ourselves. So, do yourself a favor, learn to love yourself. Quit being so hard on yourself. You are exactly where you need to be. But just keep moving, keep progressing and I promise you it will be beautiful. 

i love HENRY MILLER

"If we are always arriving and departing, it is also
true that we are eternally anchored. One's destination
is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."  -henry miller

Birdwings

Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror
up to where you are bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralysed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding,
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.  -Rumi

beautiful.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I feel it all....

So I was going to write about how to succeed in early recovery. How to get through the toughest time of any addicts life. But instead I am going to write about what I am going through right now instead. I am a human after all.

I feel something in my heart. Something I can't describe. I feel am being torn. I feel like there are two of me. The one who has to make everyone around me feel happy and at peace. But there is another side of me, that's confused, and a little sad. I am not sure why. Follow your heart? I don't even know if I trust my heart. I know how to work recovery, I know how to be great at my job. But I'm really terrible at relationships. If it gets hard I quit, because I don't want to get hurt. I don't feel like writing about it anymore.

FeAr.FeAr.FeAr.FeAr.

My sponsor taught me this awhile ago, and it stuck with me, like most of her wisdom.

Fear is not getting what you want or losing what you have. 

Let it go, it's out of your control. Focus on the present. Make the present pretty.

Life is beautiful in all it's sadness and madness.

Lauryn Hill (HQ) - Tell Him

She was one of my favorites.

R.I.P. beautiful. (Brittany Murphy)

New Year. New Beginnings.

This is officially my second holiday season clean and sober.
I am so grateful. 
I can't believe I celebrated New Years in Southern California with new friends.
It was such a fun evening, filled with laughter and new memories. Also, to not ring in the new year with a hangover is truly a blessing.
I'm not sure what this year has in store for me. But I do know that I have to stay focused on my recovery and God. I always know when I am having a difficult time, it's because I forget what's important to me. 


I am currently going through a difficult time. So I have to go back to acceptance and gratitude. It's so easy to get caught up in little things and think that life is so hard. I have to remember how far I have come, not how far I have to go. 


So for this year I am not going to wish for anything, I am going to work my ass off to attain what I want. What I truly want is inner peace and balance. I want to be able to trust my intuition. Not only trust it, but act on it. "Faith without works is dead." That's been my quote since I moved to California. I know that life is beautiful. So how am I appreciating it today?